My Bestie is Back!

         It's the night before Thanksgiving. I am going to Aletta's tomorrow for T-Day. Living the single life is going to be an adjustment. .  Thankfully Nesto was alone as well. So he is going with me. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. It was sooo strange. I don't even remember the last time we went out to dinner. We broke up during COVID. Restaurant seating hadn't returned yet. I always knew that he would be part of my life forever in some aspect. He has been a big help this year with my computer, helping me with my PowerPoint, and he even proofread my paper last week! I am so glad to have him back. He knows me better than I know myself. 

Life goes on. . .

        Four months ago I was contemplating going back to school. Work has been slow due to the high interest rates. Aletta said I should be a therapist and Andy convinced me to do it. I enrolled at NMHU and took Intro to Counseling and Ethics. I wasn't sure if I could handle it, being older and all. I only took one class to "get my feet wet".I have done well. I have an A in the class. I am amazed, scared, nervous, excited, and the sense of accomplishment is new. Everything I have ever accomplished was for someone else. This one is all for me. I was accepted into the program today! I am going to be a therapist! I didn't have anyone to share my joy with. I was ok with that too. 

        Yeah, I am single as of three days ago. I knew it was coming, I am ok. What a year! I learned so much and got to go to soooo many concerts. It felt good to have a nice relationship for a year. I got to play mom and filled that deep void that Kiara's existence left. I am going to miss those kiddos. They will never know that they helped heal the gaping wounds in my heart. I am sad that I will never watch them grow up, but I am not crushed. I realized that he would never have the capability to love me or himself. It's hard knowing what love is and having to settle for less than AMAZING. I went and picked up my already gathered things that I kept at the house, my weekend home for the last year. I did cry. I told myself this was the last relationship for me. I did get a lot out of this year. Maybe his purpose was to get me back in school.

        I am going to focus on me. I am currently procrastinating writing my final paper. Sooo hard. As much as I hate writing papers, I am welcoming the distraction.

        Guess who I have been texting almost daily. . . . 😊?

My Kiara Dream

 I haven't had a dream about my little girl for a long time. When I got home from work I cried for a while and watched a senseless movie. I went to sleep in my purple sheets. I was told yesterday to surround myself in purple. * my favorite color!😉

I dream about Kiara. I dream a little about Jerome too. But he was not his 21 year old mini Jeremy version. He was the cute chubby little football player who still had passion for life and his mama. There were NO VIGILS in site. No mention of them, they were gone.

Kiara was in high school, slender with medium length hair. In my dream we "went north" I wasn't sure what that meant in my dream but when I woke up, I realized that I technically live north of where she is right now. She came to me on her own and was relaxed and calm and called me mama again. She let me take a selfie of us which is a big deal because the last one is for her 12th birthday. She is 15 now. She apologized to me and I told her there was plenty of time to talk about all that garbage later. I wanted to learn the new Kiara. She wanted help getting rid of Jeremy's things. The things she had were strange but  I helped her. I remember her mentioning that "next Wednesday she is officially a Senior". We had a small weight set that looked kind of weathered, we pulled over and added it to someones yard decorations of rusted metal stuff. It was neatly arranged, not junky. Strange I know, but to her that was leaving it in good hands.  When she walked in front of me she turned back and extended her hand and told me, "Come on mama!" Jerome was running around my car and we were telling him to be careful with traffic. He was wearing a blue muscle shirt with basketball shorts. One of the outfits I remember him wearing. 

I remember Kiara left the dream scene and I asked Jerome where he lived and if he was still with Kaelynn. He told me, "What does it matter, you have your daughter back." This Jerome was older maybe current age. I remember thinking that he looked older than his age. Time was not gentle with this kiddo. He wasn't obese like Jeremy anymore. He was normal sized. 

There was more to my dream but I am barely writing it at 10:30 in the morning. I have been up cleaning for 3 hours. I took a break to write my two events down because I woke up this morning with intentions of moping around and then packing a bag to head to Parker for my normal routine. I instead woke up and realized how stinkin' cute my condo is. I tended to my plants and my bedroom. I didn't message Andy. He hasn't messaged me either. 

Let's see what happens. My life is different now that I have the bartending job. I originally got it to fill the evenings that I would otherwise be sitting at home alone. I have no problem being alone. I'm just tired of being lonely.

Another new beginning

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been going through so many transitions in my work life, school and personal life. Its actually been a bit overwhelming. I'll explain more soon. I realized that my memory is starting to fade of all the tidbits so I am going to write it down so that Kiara could read about it later on in her life....

I have been going through this huge transition. I'm trying to discover who I am and what my purpose is. God/Universe has had plenty of opportunities to take me out and hasn't. 

It was the first actual cold day of 2022. It was super slow at work. But I wasn't upset. It was a smooth flow and relaxing. I shared tips and made enough. I stayed after work (I'm a bartender now) and spoke to a co-worker. I'm leaving her name out of the entry for her sake. She complemented me on my job well done. She apologized for being rude to me at times. We were the last ones there. We sat at the bar and started talking. She said that she remembers when I first went there with a "regular customer". She knew that that wasn't the last time she was going to see me. I didn't realize  anyone remembered me then. It was about 2 years ago! 

She said that she thinks that I am a great person that is sweet with a really really big heart. She said that people fall in love with my Corazon not my face. This made me laugh. She said, "You're really pretty and you have a beautiful smile but your eyes are filled with sadness. I saw it the first time and I still see it. It's not as much as before. I know you want a relationship and marriage, but this guy is not for you. He only loves you when you're around him and on the weekends and date night. When you aren't with him he doesn't think of you, he doesn't love you, and is not the one for you. You're energy doesn't match his. You love him, I see it when you talk about him. He doesn't love you like he is supposed to love you. You are ready for your awakening, you're holding on to something that is not serving you. You need to release it. Don't break up with the boyfriend, he will fade away and that's ok."

She told me that she knows that I know this already. Regarding my daughter who is my true pain, she said that she is learning an important lesson and I shouldn't concern myself with it anymore. I need to let go and forgive the people that did this to me. I actually don't even think of them anymore. She will always be my little girl and she will return after her lesson. 

She gave me instructions on what to do for seven days. I'll begin on Monday.