Back then. . . . I thought I was in a loving relationship because it was similar to my parents' relationship, and to his parents' relationship. He professed his "love" to me often. That should be enough, right??
I focused on my kids to hide the insufficiencies of my personal relationship with their father. I realize now that my life was stressful and anxious not because of ME but because I was trying to keep up with things that were completely out of my control. I was not allowed to have feelings because MY feelings were not allowed. Expressing myself was me being a victim. Everything that went wrong was my fault. I was responsible for working full-time in a demeaning job, keeping up with all the housework, I was in charge of everything related to kids, I slept very little, gained tons of weight and still had to assume "wifely" duties with gusto and fake enjoyment. I was abused in EVERY aspect.
I did NOTHING right, I was WORTHLESS, I didn't make ENOUGH MONEY, I was a SHITTY MOM, I didn't do ENOUGH. My mom body was melting. All of my bad habits and human short-falls were EXPLOITED. This conditioning behavior was transferred to my children who at the end of the 18 1/2 year journey treated me like trash and assumed the mindset of their very toxic and abusive father. When my children would meet up with the new me, I was called "fake, narcissistic and victim-like" and a "Whore and a Slut".
You see, they never knew me outside of my toxic, abusive, smothering, confidence-lacking environment.
I am still a little unsure of myself and broken.
Now I know that I AM ENOUGH. It is time for Happiness.
