Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Rona Drama and Riots

Mid-March 2020 Corona Virus (COVID-19) broke out. This is me shopping with my sister for plants for my mom's garden.

This virus rocked the United States. Our way of life changed drastically. School, sports, employment, shopping, leisure activities, traveling all came to a screeching halt.  The only people out and about had to wear masks and be ESSENTIAL. People were losing jobs, suddenly furloughed, salaries were slashed 10%, people worked from home or split time in between the office and home. People were buying out PPE and making masks from home. People were wearing hazmat suits to the store and gloves. Life is crazy. The shelves were bare of toilet paper, cleaners, bleach, paper products, baking supplies, fabric, elastic, snaps, thread, crafts, and hand soap. I still have yet to see yeast and Lysol spray return to the shelves, and meat has gone to $7.99 a pound due to the meat plant closures.

A black man named George Floyd was killed while in police custody May 25th in Minneapolis, MN. He was a victim of police brutality and this rocked the nation. Police brutality and black hate crimes happen more often than we know.  I think that everyone was so crazy from being quarantined that this exploded throughout the US. Because of this; riots, burning buildings, looting and spray painting messages regarding "black lives matter" were everywhere.  I don't know what would be worse; being killed by someone who is taking a situation too far or dying from a man made virus. I went to Walmart yesterday and the parking lot was filled with cars loaded with people, spray painted with messages like; "black lives matter, white people need to speak up, end police brutality, f the police, fire ____, Trump did this, etc". I was scared. Who knows what these people were thinking they could accomplish in Westminster!

Because of the quarantine orders, all the ways I could see my daughter were taken away from me. Softball was cancelled. That meant no practice and no games. Jeremy even asked me if she could go live with his PARENTS?? I was shocked that he would even suggest that she be alone with them in an isolated mountain for MONTHS!!! School was now online. No choir concert, no trips, no science experiments.  We have no therapist because we were dismissed due to the lack of progress in 6 months. .  . .  more on that later.  I miss my daughter. She doesn't text, engage with me, or care about me. I got a simple Happy Mother's Day text at 10 AM on Mothers Day from Kiara. I didn't reply, I was too busy crying and being heartbroken. I was stripped of all my Motherhood badges. All I have left are the few things I took from my home and the stretch marks that show that I once carried two babies and lost a third too soon.  I don't know anything about her. Its heart wrenching.

As for Jerome, his Vigil training continues. I miss him when I am reminded of the sweetness of his youth. I don't miss the teenager.  There were no papers to write for Mother's Day this year, so I didn't get to see him and Ernesto didn't get to make him dinner. My son has a girlfriend now who has family in Arvada.  I drive by Tabor street every time I'm in Arvada to check on my daughter.  I guess I should be happy that my daughter isn't home alone ALL the time.  She's there with Jerome and his girlfriend. In the evening, her car is there too. I can't honestly say that I wish I was there hanging out with them. I would probably be feeling despair, because Jerome is just like HIM. What kind of girl is she? How is this poor girl going to get hurt?  Does you know who hit on her and make her feel creepy like his dad made me feel? Does my daughter latch on to her because she has no reputable female around her? Jeremy didn't start hitting me until about a year into our relationship, so she is safe for now. She seems kind of bitchy so she'll be ok standing up for herself when he is the asshole that he is or makes his snarky comments. She's established in hobbies like bike riding and car racing and owns her own car, so he won't be able to suck the life out of her with his low self esteem and lack of confidence. Not like me. I was so gullible, believing in Love. I was so desperate to please, I let HIM walk all over me and later my babies.


Friday, April 24, 2020

All My Jobs. . . .


All of my Job Titles for the last 20 years. . . . 

First and foremost, MOM. I am. . . . was a mom to a sweet sensitive boy named Jerome and a little firecracker named Kiara. I currently have a little 6 month old dog named Lola. I lived for these kiddos for 17yrs 10 months and 2 days. I moved from my home August 01, 2018. I had to save myself from the life that I was living outside my kids. More on that later.

I was a CNA beginning the summer of 2000. I took a break when I got pregnant with Jerome and was afraid of getting kicked. I returned to it when I moved to Denver because I needed a night time job. You see, when we moved to Denver babysitting was not $10 a day it was more like $50-75. I would literally be working to pay daycare. I didn't want to leave my little boy to be raised by someone else at such  a price. I transferred my license from NM and became a Tele Tech. A telemetry tech watches the portable heart monitors placed on patients in the hospital. During that time period, I learned how to do EKGs, draw blood, change tube feeding, wound care, unit secretary (I was a PRO at deciphering doctors written orders), unit management assistance, nurse supervisor assistance, I learned all about ventilators and tracheostomies. You name it, if it would make my job interesting, I was all for it. My hunger for knowledge and my people skills made the job so fun while I was at work. When I went home at the end of the 12 hour shift, I was called an ass wiper in front of my children. I was berated for having a college degree and being a low paid loser that picked up after nurses. Being a CNA allowed me to be the mom I wanted to be. Because I had a night job as a Nurse Aide I learned so much about medicine by working EVERY department. I was able to work nights and weekends and be with my babies all week. It allowed me the flexibility to pick up extra shifts while I learned other skills in the outside world. I even got to work special tasks like Surgical Supply, where I learned so much about surgeries and what it took to make it happen. I ended my CNA career, but kept my license and BLS certification in 2019. I realized that I leaned a little too hard on my CNA back up job and that inhibited my focus on my long term goal. Ernesto also helped me realize that I could not take pride in being a CNA because my Ex had made me feel so bad about my job that I had formulated a hefty amount of head trash in relation to that job and the way it made me feel after so many years. Its been almost a year and I respect all my years as  a CNA; I learned SO much, I made so many friends,  I am proud that I was a CNA. We are in the middle of the Coronavirus Pandemic, if I need to I can get my old job back and jump right in to help.

In 2012 two of my friends influenced me into starting a daycare. Michelle was a mom of Jerome's classmate and Kristin was a mom of Jerome's football teammate. Kristin showed me the ropes about licensing and classes etc. My parents helped me with licensing fees. I was up and running by the fall. I loved it. Daycare was pretty awesome. I got to hang out with babies all day, take care of my household, play with toys, drive my kids wherever they needed to go, attend all school functions, and make great money. I had the weekends off unless a parent needed help, in which I had higher prices ( so it was a win win). I learned so much about the child Psyche. I made great friends, and learned so much more about crafts and activities. I ended my daycare when my ex got a promotion to manager at night. He was home all day and didn't like the kids being in "his house". He constantly complained about their boogers and kids germs. I cried so hard when I closed my daycare August 1, 2014. I wish that I had been in a different mindset to just go buy my own house and move my daycare there, I definitely could afford it. Well the journey had to continue I guess. I returned to the CNA world full time again.

I was spoiled now.  I could no longer be satisfied with being a CNA. I could get my RN/BSN by entering the fast track program at Regis and NOT work. That would not do in my life. I was not allowed to anything for myself. That meant that I had to strategically find my way out of the hospital world while remaining  

I started with a temp agency in 2015 and got my first office job as a receptionist at a Security Outfitter. I Loved It!! I was given the overflow jobs and filing that hadn't been done in several months along with my schedule management, phone answering and door greeting job. It was 7 weeks of awesomeness. I worked really hard to finish my tasks so that I could get on to the next. I learned several software platforms and got better at Microsoft office. I learned how to schedule luncheons, ordering supplies, schedule managers, technology and other administrative jobs. I made my first Job Manual to carry around with me. It detailed EVERY task I learned in the 7 weeks of employment, all passwords, all contacts.  I left it behind when I left. My seven weeks were up in the blink of an eye. I unfortunately made less than I did as a CNA so I used this assignment on my resume to keep on going.

In 2015 while hanging out with entrepreneur football moms, I met Evelyn Cartagena- Meyer. She was involved in TransAmerica/WFG. She helped me get started with Life and Health Insurance Licensing. Those tests were so difficult. In fact I missed my health test by one point and my mother sent me money to retake my test. I was not supported in this "get rich quick scheme". If I thought being a CNA was bad, my Homelife was really rough during this gig. I still worked as a CNA, for money. I took time away to attend meetings and I even went to Las Vegas, NV for the 1st time!!! I didn't become a financial planner and the hustle of that entrepreneurship was not for me. Timing is everything and it was not my time. I learned about self-employement and that I wasn't crazy for wanting to have my own schedule. I wasn't crazy for wanting something bigger. I was not dreaming when I wanted to be someone. Just because I think outside the box, didn't mean I was embarking on a   "get rich quick scheme". I learned so much about money and investing. I learned about self help books. I learned about mindfulness and mindset. I realized that in order to make it in this world, I needed to have something that created income without killing me, so I could come back and use my new skills. I am no longer affiliated with WFG. I still have all my friends I made there and my connections. I still use those connections today. I'm a natural networker! I still hold onto my insurance license because I worked my booty off for these licenses. I currently have ONE client in a healthcare policy. 

Winter of 2016 my Surgery Supply Assignment ended and I was trying to figure out what my next step was. My friend Christine called me and told me that her tax person was looking for some office help. I called them and they hired someone. A week later they called me back and I started seasonal in a tax office! It was a little hard at first. Taxes were a whole different ball game. I worked really hard and wrote LOTS and LOTS of notes. I learning something new. I started out entering data into the program. I was in charge of the schedule and calling clients. My bosses were a husband and wife. I love people (the sociologist in me). The husband X was so amazing and smart. He got so absorbed in the numbers. The wife B was a socialite. She spent the entire month of February going on birthday lunches and planning her daughters wedding. She was a peculiar sort. She would act really nice but was so mean! She would come behind me and "rub" my shoulders very painfully. At the end of the week I would get paid and B would yell "why are you working so much!!!!". X finally told her our business has increased. "Crystal is clearing up a lot of the little tasks and it has made it possible for us to grow and take more clients". Besides the boss abuse, I had fresh flowers on my desk, I got massage gifts, I felt important. I saw the way that X treated B (even though she was Freakin nuts). He treated her like a Queen. B didn't do anything for X, but he was so proud to have his wife. 
I did not plan on returning because of B. But when I did the Admissions Coordinator job, I would rather be compensated for my time and deal with a little abuse (after all my Homelife was a perfect foundation for this LMAO) than to be in that position.
I returned for a second, third and fourth season.
My second and third season were filled with learning, growing, flexibility so I didn't miss any kiddo events, networking and long hours. I forgot to mention that after each of these seasons, I  used my bonus and took the rest of the school year off to enjoy my BABIES!!! Kiara and I took a week long trip to NM (Jerome was like his dad and never wanted to go) and I was able to pay for her themed birthday parties ( 9th movie party, 10th Great Wolf Lodge, 11th Dave & Busters). I took my tax class the fall of 2018 through H&R Block. I returned for the 2019 tax season with hopes of moving up and seeing if I wanted to progress with my Enrolled Agent education. 2019 Season I was turned into a w-2 employee.  No perks, no overtime, less pay (due to taxes), more work, even more B abuse. This time she was roping X into it. I had to do all my tasks within 40 hours during the week -schedule maintenance, follow up with clients, do a huge portion of the taxes if not all, answer calls, no answering the door-whew, reorganize people's business records, re-typing peoples spreadsheets. NO overtime, so I didn't work extra hours. B disciplined me in front of clients for helping them. These people were her friends!! She kept telling me how this was her business over and over. Ernesto was my first full client and he would visit me every now and then when I had to stay late to finish up a goal (tax files within a date). He was a witness to B's behavior towards me. She didn't want me to grow. She lured me in this year with promises of profit sharing. I realized that during my single mom hustle, I made more money doing what I was doing in less hours than this. I had no issues with my other jobs. I told her that I was not returning. At the end of the season I got a letter saying that I had too many errors and I would not be receiving my bonus. I was so bummed, I was depending on that money. Luckily that life lesson didn't cost me a thing. 

I had always been filled with regret from not using my degree. I have a Bachelors in Criminology. The paper says "Sociology/Anthropology with an emphasis in Criminology". I think one of the reasons I felt silly working as a CNA was because I actually was educated. I made it my mission to get a job with my degree. I became an Admission Coordinator in a Drug and Alcohol Rehab October of 2016. This was the same time my cousin started her journey into therapy/counseling. I utilized her education to teach me about drugs and the paraphernalia associated with it. I learned that I was green when it came to substance usage. I was killer at connecting with new intakes and ALL the paperwork that came along with it. I utilized all that I had learned about addictive behaviors and the sociology of substance abuse. I was on fire!! I loved partaking in daily client summary sessions with the therapists. I learned how to function in a Google based computer system. I attended mixers with other rehabs for marketing.  The only problem with this job was my pay. I was salary and because my lovely co-coordinator was in remission she convinced the owner to give me every darn task besides being on the phone with new clients. I was drowning. I was getting called in the middle of the night, leaving football games for potential clients in crisis, spending nights in the ER so that I can admit the client the next morning, driving people around in my personal car, carrying two phones everywhere I went, working holidays. If it wasn't for my management and organizational skills, I would have drowned. I made a Job Manual here too. It was to the point where people would ask me for my instructional pages to help them out in a world of complete chaos.  I kept it and still have it. I learned at this job that I loved being in charge. I love having authority. I am strong enough to survive in the midst of chaos and I have the ability to make sense of it. Now I need to get paid for it. I saw my tax bosses at church and they asked me if I was returning. I shouted YES! I would rather deal with that kind of crazy than the one I was currently in. 

With tax season and organizing people's files, I figured I would be good at keeping people's books. I reached out to friends and got a bookkeeping gig in August 2018. The same month I moved!! I learned so much from A. I still work for her. She is a spiritual teacher. I upkeep spreadsheets tracking payments for sessions and retreats. I keep track of 5 accounts. Pay her credit card. Pay invoices and track all spending. A bought me a Mac to do my work with. She has taught me so much. She is a great sounding board when I am rolling around issues in my head. I started working for a quickbooks expert doing Quickbooks online and I was able to get two clients under him that I fixed their books. One was a business consultant and the other was a start up electrical company. The QB expert was in Centennial and he was super busy with his adoption agency he worked FT. I started to grow in my loan signing business so I didn't pick up any new clients from him. To be honest the clients I did have, had some serious book issues. I succeeded in fixing them at night and on the weekends. I still help my friends do their books and consult with friends in organizing their finances.

and finally my most current job for at least 6 more years. . . . . LOL
Loan Signing Agent
June 7, 2017 I went with Jeremy to On Tap Credit Union to refinance our home. The guys there helping us didn't work at the bank and I got to talking with them and realized that they did this independently and made decent money to do it as well. I started the process a few months later. I became a Colorado Notary Public and then I began the Notary Signing Agent process. In 2017 I had 7 loans. In 2018 I had 90 loans. In 2019 I had 274 Loans. Up to date I have 188 loans. It has been 2yrs and 7mos. I love my job. I have flexibility, learned so much about loans and real estate transactions, I make decent money. This is my main job. The job that pays for my living expenses, Subie's payment, child support to the man who never let me find a suitable job, attorney's fees, and I have a little remaining for me. I have met so many awesome people and seen so many beautiful homes and rural towns. Life is Good. 

I want my kids to know that you can be whatever you want. I am successful and I am not even working in the capacity of my degree! Being self employed is nice and gives me the flexibility that I love. Every now and then I take some time off to visit my family or travel. 






Friday, March 20, 2020

A New Beginning. . . .



Meet Ernesto. . . 

He is two years older than me, from my hometown Las Vegas, and my love.

Flashback. . . 
Memorial Middle School. The age of boy crushes and I am completely into this older guy! Truth is, I see this guy at church, I know he's an athlete and that his brother is in my class. After quite some time, I ask his brother about him. He exclaims, "Are you kidding me, he's an Asshole! Trust me, you don't want anything to do with him!" He was kind of cocky, and I was Super Shy! I have to believe his brother, right? I still thought about him time to time. I moved to the Westside of town for high school after that and would only see him at church and school functions. He moved away after high school like most and I stayed in Las Vegas.

26 Years LATER. . . . 
I had been living on my own for 6 months and I was done with Online Dating.  I had two guy friends that I would go on friend dates with, and that was good for me. I made the decision to focus on tax season to figure if this was the route I wanted to take. When I wasn't at work, I was in my apartment all alone. 
My ex coerced me to let my daughter live with him for the month. *Ya know for tax season. . . More on this situation later. . .I only saw her for practice and school functions aka mom-Uber

I was talking to my friend *Sammy and she was telling me about her boss, who was also from Las Vegas. I knew my cousin *Karen worked in the same department. I told her she was crazy and his name did not ring a bell. . .  *Karen was selling me, and *Sam was selling him. We started texting. 

I remembered that a while back, about 6 years, he tried to friend me on Facebook. His user name was Storrie Lake, the lake from our hometown. All I had seen were pictures of lakes and fishing. I thought this was a stalker for sure! Well here we are again present time and this is Ernesto Chavez. I wasn't sure about this, but if *Sam and *Karen were sure about this, why not?

Full Disclosure: I had somehow managed to date a guy from the office via Online Dating and it did not work out. Picture the grown child, "serve me" type. I was over that lifestyle. I didn't leave a horrible situation to be someone else's Bitch.  In the meantime, I had been conversing with this poor Mexican dude who kept texting me for dating tips because he couldn't find a date. I'm the type that liked to "fix" more than date.  The Mexican and the Office dude were texting me randomly throughout the day. . . .  including the day of the setup.
Back to the story.....

Storrie Lake messages me on FB Messenger on Feb 5, 2019. 

E: "So I just found out you know two people I work with all day"
C: "Who?"
E: "*Karen and *Sam"
C: Spits out her afternoon coffee all over her computer: "Should I be concerned"
E" "LOL, I got lots of dirt on you!

at this point I'm thinking the Mexican dude is working with Office dude and they're in the same department!!!. OMG and he narrowed down some REAL affiliations. I began questioning him with dread

C:" Oh my goodness 
I can't wait to hear about how I came up in convo.....
I'm mortified now.
Your department is pretty small. Who else did you talk too??"

E:"LOL"

C: "Not funny"

At the same time, I'm messaging *Sam in complete HYSTERIA. "Who is this guy, OMG.
Is he a stalker, he knows where I am from..."

S: "Thats my BOSS! You should DATE HIM!!"
C: "I can't be circulating around the office, ya know!"
S: "NO, he is PERFECT for you!"

To make a long story short. Ernesto shared his busy work schedule with me, we made a coffee date for Friday, before his trip to Pagosa Springs. * you can ask details of that one later

Friday came. I went to the meetup at Steamers, near my tax office. It was a prep day, we weren't quite booming yet. I had some extra time, if needed. I went to the date hoping to drink some great coffee and have a hometown friend to hang with. . . . 

I saw HIM and all the memories of my youth rushed upon me like a waterfall. . . INCLUDING the giddiness of a teenage girl. Lord Almighty. I cracked an ear to ear smile and it did not go away. 

Quite frankly, I don't remember the conversation. I remember the smile, the eyes, the sweet pheromone filled air, the little dip on his upper lip, the HOT temp inside the restaurant  and wondering if I put on deodorant that morning. He probably thought I was a fool because I couldn't stop smiling. The time just zipped on by and somehow we managed to eat breakfast too and ask him if I had any "bats in the cave"! LOL

We left, we made plans to meet Sunday upon his return, and we kissed goodbye. Lordy Mama! That was the most electric peck on the lips I have ever had. I even sighed.

We were both had a few loose ends to tie up and they were completed within the week.

That was the beginning. . . as of today we are going on day 406. 
He's my ROCK and my soul-mate.

We've been through so much in the last year. If we make it past 2020, we will be solid. Every fairy tale has its villain, we have 2.  A healthy serving for each of us. We have 5 little dwarfs who at the mercy of these villains and Nesto and I are on the other side. Do we have the strength to save each other?? Does he have the strength to prevail??

Time will tell.

If only my daughter knew him, she would love him too.

Will that ever happen?





Thursday, February 27, 2020

The Old Me



Back then. . . .  I thought I was in a loving relationship because it was similar to my parents' relationship, and to his parents' relationship. He professed his "love" to me often. That should be enough, right??
I focused on my kids to hide the insufficiencies of my personal relationship with their father. I realize now that my life was stressful and anxious not because of ME but because I was trying to keep up with things that were completely out of my control.  I was not allowed to have feelings because MY feelings were not allowed. Expressing myself was me being a victim. Everything that went wrong was my fault.  I was responsible for working full-time in a demeaning job, keeping up with all the housework, I was in charge of everything related to kids, I slept very little, gained tons of weight and still had to assume "wifely" duties with gusto and fake enjoyment. I was abused in EVERY aspect.
I did NOTHING right, I was WORTHLESS, I didn't make ENOUGH MONEY, I was a SHITTY MOM, I didn't do ENOUGH. My mom body was melting. All of my bad habits and human short-falls were EXPLOITED. This conditioning behavior was transferred to my children who at the end of the 18 1/2 year journey treated me like trash and assumed the mindset of their very toxic and abusive father. When my children would meet up with the new me, I was called "fake, narcissistic and victim-like" and a "Whore and a Slut".

You see, they never knew me outside of my toxic, abusive, smothering, confidence-lacking environment. 
I am still a little unsure of myself and broken. 
Now I know that I AM ENOUGH. It is time for Happiness.


A New Beginning. . . . .


It has been 8 years and 53 days since my last blog. . . . . I have to relearn blogging!
You're probably wondering why I didn't delete the old posts and start new?? I wanted you to see how much life changes and how in the "blink of an eye" life as you know it, is no longer.
Since I posted last I: left my common-law husband; lost my friend Anna who started me in the blogging world; lost my kids who hate me; lost my dog Molly; explored several new jobs; left my home of 15 years, 10 months, and 4 days; left my sweet neighborhood and Arvada; and ultimately left a way of life I thought at the time was Magnificent.
The positive parts of my life are: I am now 40; I have grown significantly in mindfulness and self-awareness; I have had so many experiences, I am in a new loving and positive relationship;  I established a new career that makes me happy and proud; I have a new little dog named Lola; I rent a nice beautiful house in a new town; and I am on a journey to a new me and happiness.